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Creative Second Guessing

As a kid, my mom supplied me with Tinker Toys. I hated them. Flat out didn’t like it. You were just given a bunch of pieces and there was no plan to them, no already outlined end goal. I have always liked to color in the lines. ALWAYS. I liked to have things as the color they really are (pineapples should not be purple and blue. . . they are brownish yellow with green on top — as I was big on proving when I was 3).

This doesn’t mean I lack creativity. But I lack that free flowing thought process that a lot of others do have. I am not good at taking something and instantly modifying it to fit my needs or wants — cooking is not a creative process for me.

A lot of this stems from not being comfortable with the task at hand or second guessing myself. As my driving instructor would tell me, for eleventy-billionth time, “Stop second-guessing yourself, you know how to get into 2nd gear!” I’d do it every single time. I’d freak out and stall the car. Can I drive stick now? You’d better believe it. Have I done anything creative with it? Yeah, I’ve popped it into second when I started off driving instead of 1st gear and even hopped gears, but I got comfortable with the car I was driving and THEN felt I could get a bit more creative in how I was doing things. Downshifting, accelerating into curves, and learning about the sounds and feel of the car. But these things weren’t immediate questions. . .

So Tinker Toys pissed me off. I wasn’t told what to do with them, I was just urged to “make something.”  But… WHAT. . . there are NO guidelines, no ideas, and no one said, “Create a box with a wheel inside of it.” I would make things that just fit together and felt right, but I had NO idea what I was doing. I was so far outside of any comfort zone that when I was asked what I’d made, I might have a story for it, but it left me so uncomfortable that I couldn’t wait to take it down.  I was never secure in my creative process. And because of this unknowing and people doing the , “OOOOOO, that’s amazing!!” thing, I was just pissed off by it. This isn’t ‘amazing,’ it’s just a weird shape and it has no actual purpose . .  it’s just thrown together and I don’t even know WHY . . . there’s just nothing else to DO with these sticks and wheels with holes.

Legos were a bit more logical and I’d make houses with rooms and layers of things. I’d play with the little people and they’d pick flowers and have walls that were all one color. I liked the regularity and that the basic pieces worked with my thoughts. And then you had the collections where you had an end goal and a set of directions on how to build it. They were (and still are) the best. You follow the instructions and lo and behold, you’ve built the thing on the cover of the box. It isn’t … creative, but it is creating something. You are given an end goal and the means to get there. Is it more fun to create the way yourself? Perhaps. But I’m always wary, because of second guessing.

My best friends and I created a comic book when we were about 11. It was AMAZING. We came up with characters, we drew the characters, we made these powerful female characters come to life. I used a sketch my super artistic friend did to come up with my character drawings as I did not have the drawing skills my friends. My mom was our biggest champion and we all hunkered around our dining room table coming up with these characters and some story lines. It didn’t really take off, but one of these friends is bringing them back to life again. It’s magical to be part of a creative force, but I could never have done it on my own and with these friends dragging me along for the ride. In creating characters my mind would literally go blank. I had no idea where to go with it. . . no way to let the ideas out and so we teased them out of me.  . . I’m sure it was stressful for everyone else to watch me struggle.

And now I’ve started one of those DIY Planners. They have another term that has become popular, but honestly, this system isn’t a few years old. People have been creating planner/journal combos for decades and even hundreds of years. It’s not a novel concept. I’ve always ended up turning some portion of my journal into a task list or mini-calendar, but never really went much further than that. But now I’ve decided instead of spending the $18 on a 2018 Planner, I’d actually make my own with a blank book. Did I Google and read countless blogs and websites? Yup. Did I try to create a few things on my own? Sure. I’m about 2-3 weeks in (2 weeks of the actual big planner creating side of things) and I still find myself Googling everything I can to see what others have done. My biggest take home is that people keep saying, “It’s such a creative process, you can be your own unique self” and then EVERY DAMN PERSON has the same font/script scrawl. Are you all using the same “I’m unique” stencils? Seriously, what IS THIS?! So then I started to see some that didn’t have the same font and I was drawn to the weirdness, the creative, the “OMG that person can draw some SERIOUS foxes!!!” It’s daunting to see just HOW creative people have gotten but it’s also reinforced some of the ideas I’ve previously had. It’s like, “Oh… okay.. so when I started that one idea of boxes, it actually could have ended up like this if I’d just shifted the lines down a bit more.”  It helped me to see that I was on the right path, and where I got frustrated, I just needed to reassess.

I will say, the creativity of doing this myself with some inspiration (I drew out some really tiny sketches of potential weeks or months to get an idea down to see if I liked it) has been interesting. Do I think it looks nice? No. Will it get better? Oh yes. I have busted out the colored pencils, and run to the store to buy a cheap ruler (49 cents!!), a compass (yay circles!), and colored ballpoint pens. I have crayons waiting in the wings (I apparently unearthed my creative box while unpacking things, huzzah for that!).

There is something comforting about the rigidity of boxes and lines and that I actually have to put in some effort to create them – counting out the lines on the page or measurements on the ruler, doing some quick math and then putting ink to the page to make it show up. And then adding some color with my pencils. No crazy scripts, no doodles, just a bit of color and some attempts at being creative.

I look forward to pushing my comfort zone and maybe one day I will be the inspiration for an idea, rather than needing that inspiration to get out of first gear.

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Moving Blues

** From September 2014 **

Today I, and 6 others, helped a friend load her moving truck. She is moving away to Texas and we are all really going to miss her.  It’s going to be really weird on Monday to not have her come downstairs to say hello or to talk about gardens and SI and games and Mahjong.  She’s become a huge part of my weekly routine and now that routine is gone.

Oh the flip side, seeing how organized and diligent she’s been about her move makes me want to get just as crazed and organized as she’s been. There’s so much to learn from the friends and people around you.  I forget this lesson from time to time and just wallow in my own head, but I’m trying to clean up that muck and push forward.

One organizational tip from her is to use colored duct tape on boxes, tubs, etc to mark what room it belongs in or a general hint to what it contains.  I’m currently using fluorescent orange to mark our book boxes. So far those are all the boxes I have, but we have other things already packed up that are the wrong season.  I need to make an assessment of those boxes and apply the necessary duct tape color.

Building means reading instructions

I’m not sure I have followed why people say that IKEA furniture is the a major cause of divorce/breaking up. You follow the little pictures in the booklet and you’re done. There  isn’t any need to battle things out with your spouse/partner. If anything you should be livid at the quality of the materials you are working with. Have you tried to get a too-big screw to fit in a poorly drilled hole of particle board? Guess who the blame falls on for that? Not the person who is sitting there helping you.

I think one of the major hurdles of dealing with build-it-yourself items like these are that you have to follow each little picture and not jump ahead. It’s like building those big lego sets — you just follow the pictures and don’t jump ahead. They’re pretty clear on what they want you to do, but you sometimes have to play with the spatial layout of the sketch vs what’s actually lying on your floor.

It can be fun to come up with curses that integrate the furniture name you’re trying to build. Swedish is a fun lyrical language, and IKEA does not hold back on the use of random, but well placed, words for their items — while “Skogsta” isn’t a word, the “Skogs-” root means forest. Well, this is one beefy laminated table and you actually feel like you’re handling a chunk of wood. The “hem” in Hemnes  means home. The new pet bed/toy line is called “lurvig” which means shaggy. But there are plenty of items that mean nothing at all like Selje, Nesna, and Brusali. Some have words that might not make sense, like “Knarra” for a laundry hamper. The word means crunch or creak. Maybe not what you want your hamper to do. . .

** All translations above are brought to you by Google Translate

While IKEA furniture is known to be of cheaper materials, you can do some smart shopping and come out with some pretty great items that don’t make your house feel like a dorm room. There are a lot of sustainable materials going into their furniture, so you’re possibly doing some environmentally friendly shopping too.

My advice for those moments

… when you have something that is seriously throwing you for a loop or messing with your emotions –> TALK TO A FRIEND. It doesn’t matter if this is  parent, sibling, cousin, friend, love-of-your-life, partner, spouse, awesome neighbor, or pet.

Airing your inner thoughts and feelings to someone who will actually listen to you is huge. Maybe you just need to talk to a wall or the mirror.

I’ve had a few things nagging at me over the past few weeks and last week I had a great text conversation with a friend and it clicked everything back into reality. It was just what I needed. The world in your mind is not the real one out there and that reality check can bring a heart wrenching emotional rollercoaster out of the intense spiral.

Please reach out to people. Do not ever think the world will find you ‘silly’ or ‘stupid.’ There is always someone out there who will listen to you. Maybe one of this 1-800 help numbers if you can’t think of someone you know personally.

That moment when…

you realize you are in love with someone

But that someone isn’t anyone you’ve met.

It’s who you will become.

It can be hard to stand on the edge of that precipice and see that image glittering in the air of possibility, and you can’t quite see what’s behind it, or how it came to be there. You just know that the only way to truly meet that person is to leap. . . and hope the path shows up. Trust in that leap.

 

This message brought to you by seeing an opportunity open and being given a chance at something that was the whole reason for moving.

Jogging, Day 2

Oh my goodness. Just tried to take Crazy Pup on a “run” for the second day in a row. Perhaps not my brightest idea, as it was growing darker by the second, but we made it home unscathed and he didn’t jump on me. We even had several stretches where he trotted perfectly beside me.

My legs are a bit in shock over this new routine, but they’ll get over it.

My left foot was all kinds of complaining since I have a blister on that I acquired while power walking across the street in my work shoes. For those who know me, it will surprise you that they were heels. Will wonders never cease. . .

We shall see what Day 3 brings. . .

Sick of flopping about

Today the pup was beside himself with angst and stress. So I threw on my lycra and You Betcha shirt and took the monster for a run. He does not have a good track record with running, but apparently if you get him miserable enough he does really really well. He still tries to grab his leash and run with it in his mouth like it’s a giant game of tug of war. I didn’t let him this time.

He didn’t really try to jump on me either.

We ran.

For about a mile. I’m not going to pretend this was any major event worthy of an award (unless it’s for his good behavior), but we did it.

And then I made a horrendous dish I do not want to ever repeat — polenta (not so bad) and onion, garlic, mushrooms and spinach with balsamic vinegar. I could have done without the balsamic. It didn’t help things one bit

Then I wolfed down two mini cupcakes because sometimes you just want a treat.

Debating on removing a lot of sugars and processed foods from the diet because I’m just feeling flubby.