Unsure

I’ve done something good, I’ve done something I’m still coming to terms with, and I have a helluva lot to get writing on.

The good:

I inadvertently helped a fellow student get credit for being present on our Trees field trip by crossing off someone’s name who was not on it. I don’t care who finds out it was me. BRING IT. I am not going to put up with these middle school/high school antics of writing down people’s names when they are not present. They need to fend for themselves and act on their own. You’re not there, email the professor asking what you can do to make up for it. Apologise for your lack of attendance.

To continue. . .

The coming to terms:

I was in a rather sour mood Thursday night so I sent off an email to two friends who I have felt rather ignored by. There have been many promises of “I’ll come visit” and “I’ll write you an email tonight.” There have also been apologies of “Sorry I didn’t write you.” I’ve been here for almost 6 months. Just write a 5 minute email saying how life is. I rather blew up and got very interesting replies. The first friend replied with a very defensive response in how she’s acted, the other friend replied with a huge apology and explanation of how it made her feel to read my email. I am still mixed about these replies.

I understand having friends keep in touch with you can be very difficult. I have some friends that have sunk back into the “I’ll see you when I see you” and those that I write letters to back and forth, chat with on AIM, and generally keep in somewhat-touch with. I am not comfortable with the shift happening while I am away from home. I have known these friends for most of my life (at least 20 years) and to feel them slipping into the background is very hard for me to grasp. I am unsure if that is how things will be or if it is an unaware of what is going on. I can also rant about this for days, so I’m stopping.

The school work:

I have an essay on some tree topic that I still need to start due Wednesday, my Limestone Pavement Case Study due by noon on Thursday, Conservation Biology short answers due Friday as well as a 1200-1500 word essay on our field trip to Houghall College AND to see if I need to help out any more with our Powerpoint Presentation on beech trees.

My life has hit a wall of hell.

Back to writing about Limestone Pavement I go. The stress is actually making me almost feel sick. Bad. . bad. . bad. . BAD.

Never healthy

I swear I get sick every 2 weeks here.  It’s making me NUTS.  I have soooooo much to do and I just can’t stay healthy.  I’ve been sick ever since I got off the plane.  I just want to curl up in bed and make it all go away.

At least the weather today is quite nice.  I really enjoy windy and sunny weather when it isn’t biting cold.  Okay, the wind is a bit much at 50 km/hr.

I got my papers back for my one course and I think I’m putting in a formal complaint about the lack of feedback.  This is just too inconsiderate of them.  And  I hope other people will join me on it.

I also need to sit down and actually do this presentation on beech trees and the limestone pavement case study.

Last night I watched Calendar Girls with Grant.  There was a bit of Limestone Pavement in it!!!!!  Sorry, I found it amusing. I also love Helen Mirren.  She cracks me up.

Right, off to work on this homework type stuff.

And to blow my nose. EW!

My game

I’ve been playing Baldur’s Gate for almost a month now and I just acquired Minsc and Boo.  Now this is the most hilarious duo you can possibly get in this game.  SERIOUSLY.  They’re even on Wikipedia!! I found a picture that shows the adoring look on Minsc’s face.  I’m sorry, but it just cracks me up.  Also he keeps alluding to all the hits to his head that he’s had.  If anyone loves a hamster that much, it must be true.  But it’s funny because Boo makes these really funny squeaks!!! And Minsc has this great battle call.

Sorry, I find this hilarious.  I’ve been waiting forever to get him.  I also haven’t been playing very much.  If it weren’t for school and the fact that I enjoy having a social life and passing my classes I would probably be done with the game.  But I’m rationing myself like a good girl and only playing it for a short bit once a week.  Okay yesterday I played it a lot, but I was too much of a mess to do anything else.

It takes a while for the mind and emotions to heal up after 2 days of stressful chatter and school.  Many thanks to the people I talked to about it, you helped me TONS.

A bit better

Things are happier again.  Not back to normal happy, but sleep is a wonderful thing.

No worries, we’re happy.

Tonight I’m sucking my life away with Baldur’s Gate.  No I don’t care that it sound stupid, but I am so emotionally sapped and drained that I can’t do homework and dealing with some of this stuff is just too much.

I also have to make a trip to Woolworths to spend just a pinch more on uh. .  *ahem* a gift for a certain person.  I am excited about it because I think it will make him happy.  I know it would make me happy.  Something to help destress and bring back happy memories.

Now it’s time for me to run off and get some work done, eat lunch and go to class.

I think we just ask too many questions about everything, and now we’re doing it to our relationship.  It’s ingrained in us to constantly ask questions and bash around the bad and the good.  At least we’ve come to face just what it is we’re doing.  School certainly isn’t helping and helllllloooooo stress counselors!!!!  Seriously.  School is kicking us in the face and it’s making our days worse (individually, not as a “we” factor).

Alright, school it is. . . by 5 pm expect me to be deeply engrossed in a computer game and munching away on some weird sandwich concoction I think up.

Dark thoughts

For some reason these always crop up at bad times.  I think it’s due to the stress.  One of us will have some nagging notion about the other person or “us.”

For once, this time it didn’t start with me.

I can only say we are VERY good at talking these things out.  I won’t go into details because it’s not your place to know about them.  Sorry.  No dirt from me.  Find your own relationship and make your own dirt.   <grin>

But in the end, even after our chat, I still feel disconcerted.  That we even have these nagging thoughts brings me down a few notches.  Does everyone have them?  Is this normal?  What we have is good, so why do we have to keep having these?  Why can’t the awful thoughts go away?!?!

I just want to sit and scream sometimes.  Or possibly sob until there’s nothing left in me. Right now I just feel drained.  It makes me lose my sparkle towards this relationship a little bit.  It puts a dimmer on the light. However you want to say it, it sucks monkey balls.

Love is not a question (or is it?).  What we want to do is not a question.  But these naggings just pull and tug at me and make me wish things weren’t so hard.  I guess this is my hiccup.  I know the stress can start some of these ideas, and sometimes I think I’m still fitting into the “we” picture.  I’m not comfortable in my new shoes yet.   And yes, I can make these analogies all day long.

I can’t begin to explain things fully here.  I don’t know where to begin.

Fears nag, thoughts provoke and overall it leaves me feeling crappy and doing homework at midnight.  Hopefully I’ll get some sleep and things will be okay.

We both agree on one thing: we’re used to a lot of space and being alone.  This makes it hard when you’re inviting someone into your life.  It’s hard to find that balance.  And it’s hard to show that need for the person and not just the need for a person.

Le sigh